- 21/04/24 -
probably way too long of a life update entry

Starting off this blog entry by saying I have literally no idea what I'm going to talk about. In fact I am deciding as I type this
This past month has been pretty good actually. I'm not doing any sort of homework and since exams haven't started yet I'm probably the most relaxed I've ever been during a school year in my life. Under normal circumstances this would actually kind of suck because school is usually all I do, but since I do have people to talk to this year instead of staring at the wall all day, school has actually gotten a bit more fun. This is a bit embarrassing to admit - I dont think ive actually enjoyed being in school before but it's definitely nicer when there's people that you actually like there.
I fear that even though I've actually managed to make some friends (?) I dont think Ive gotten any better at small talk. Any conversation that I have is either me just nodding along or me not shutting up for 40 minutes straight and honestly I'm not sure which one is worse. Eventually I'll get there. Maybe. Probably not.

What else… I also had to switch P.E classes - my school has this weird system where you can actually choose what you want to do in P.E and attend a group for that specific activity - but since I didn't actually attend when we were supposed to pick I got in the worst one of them all: hiking. IMAGINE having to hike for a school class I'd die so I switched over to voleyball because one of my friends attends the class + I actually do know a bit of volleyball + the class doesnt last 2 consecutive hours like hiking does so it has its bonuses. i guess. Actually, I think that hiking is so bad that anything sounds better compared to it. but whatever the point is i'm going to have to actually attend P.E… I am not excited about this prospect at all.

completely changing subjects - i had a chemistry class a few days back that was like. actually okay. I really do not like chemistry. I think physics is a hundred times better but I must admit I do enjoy the dumb experiments we do in the lab every now and then. here's a picture of a chromatography a friend and I did that i think ended up looking pretty cool:

speaking of this exact same friend; we were talking a bit right after chemistry about clothing (the conversation somehow ended up there) and when I mentioned i am actually not very observant and usually do not notice how other people look or what they wear she said she is the exact opposite - and that in fact, she said i dress different from other people our age, and that that's one of the things she noticed about me. ???????
I NEEDED to mention this somewhere because I can't get it out of my head. I did not have the courage to ask what she meant because if she told me i dress badly i would have started crying on the spot or something but i still can't figure this one out. My brother told me around 2 weeks ago that I dress weirdly formally for school - I'm assuming that's what she's talking about? I'm still wondering if this is a good or bad thing. i genuinely hadn't noticed my clothes were different to anyone else's - i don't want to prolong this ramble for much longer but i really needed to say this its been 3 days now and it keeps popping up in my head

well besides school stuff i don't think i've actually done anything at all. recently got stardew valley again after a year of not being able to play it and it's consuming all of my time i haven't been this unproductive in months its driving me insane - i love the game but i hate that i'm so prone to getting obsessed with it everytime i pick it back up Speaking of computer games and stuff, this also reminds me of another conversation I had a few days back. turns out some people my age genuinely are not interested in computers at all and i can't imagine living like that. A friend of mine asked me what I did in my free time and was surprised when I said I basically only use my computer because she doesnt use it at ALL. how do you live like that. worst part of all this is that I ended up looking like the nerdiest, most asocial guy to ever exist and I was SO embarrassed. like woooow what do you mean you're not typing on your keyboard all day. what do you mean you go out for walks. wow

I really wish I could tell you guys something cool about my life but my daily routine consists of using my computer, going to school, using my computer again and being a loser all 365 days of the year. so sorry to disappoint

god this entry is such a mess in my own defense its 1am and i'm tired. i dont think im rewriting this at all actually maybe that way it'll feel more authentic (i'm too lazy to do so)

extra: look at this dog that snuck in to our classroom and begged my classmate to give him food:

UPDATE: 28/4/24 - 13:59
I want to expand upon some things I talked about previously in this blog entry because it's been like a week and stuff happened. So I feel like I must talk about it
Exams week is about to start and I am not prepared at all - so I'm procrastinating by writing this. The switch between P.E classes was successful; I managed to actually attend the class and well. play volleyball. as intended. Which is huge since I hadn't actually attended a P.E class in 3 years now… I wont say i had a good time; my entire body hurt like hell for a week afterwards, but at least i got it done. Now I have to do it for the rest of the year but I'm trying not to think too hard about it or I'll end up crying.
Been getting along even better with my friends too. This isn't helping my grades a lot though… I get distracted way more easily now - but I'd rather sacrifice my grades than be alone in my last school year, honestly.

OKAY ANOTHER UPDATE: 2/5/2024 - 12:06
P.E classes are so badddddd had another one 2 days ago and my body HURTS i really need to go outside a bit more holy shit. outside of that i haven't been exactly very productive, i had two tests this week and i'm pretty sure im not passing either one but at this point i dont care im so glad i got it done.
okay what else i got sick… again… I'm so tired of catching colds this easily. I'm tired all the time but I feel bad for not doing anything so I end up cleaning the entire house and getting even MORE tired. i had to skip school today because i'm pretty sure i would have passed out in the middle of civics class otherwise but i really really hope i'm doing better tomorrow - i have a chemistry class in the lab and i REALLY like going to the lab
Speaking of which, the other day I was tidying up my room a bit and remembered I own 2 “vintage” (never really sure if that's the correct term) cameras that belonged to my grandfather back in the 80s? maybe 70s? I'm kind of really lost when it comes to cameras and photography but these things are the coolest thing ever so I want to know if I can still use them nowadays. The thing is, I'm still a bit unsure of how to use them - I watched some tutorials and all but I don't understand half of the terms that are being used - so I decided I want to take one of them to the lab tomorrow. you might be wondering what the fuck does chemistry have to do with this but turns out that the guy that is like. in charge? of the laboratory at my school is a friend of mine that really REALLY likes photography. I have no idea if he still uses cameras with actual film or if he does everything digitally nowadays but I think it might be cool to show them to him so I can figure out how they work and stuff. maybe even ask where i can get film - i dont think its a very easy thing to come by nowadays - i'm hoping it isn't crazy expensive but honestly at this point EVERYTHING is crazy expensive here so my expectations are very low

well i haven't been doing much outside of that… got some games for my computer so i've been procrastinating studying by playing age of empires 2 probably way too much. That game was so hard to find i dont think ive ever struggled so much. i really wanted the original 1999 version but it's like. GONE from everywhere i hate when games force you to buy the remastered version like no!!!!! i want the shit graphics oh my god

me playing age of empires 2: shit graphics version

i've also been playing the matrix - path of neo a bit but i suck at it so im taking it slowly. very slowly. oh i also got kid pix deluxe 4 for nostalgia reasons and i'm pretty sure this program is sensory heaven like actually. i haven't even drawn anything i just boot it up to listen to all the sounds and then close it again i LOVE it i'm especially fond of the bald guy in the undo button

Well I'm pretty sure that's actually it now. this entry is waaay longer than what i intended originally but i just had to keep adding on onto it LOL

02/04/2024 - 17:01pm

I don’t usually write much here since I feel I usually do not have much to say. But I think this time I want to do a short recap of everything I’ve done in the past month that I haven’t been able to update the site at all. Contrary to the uh… very negative tone of the previous entry, I’m sure this one will be much more optimistic…? So it should be a bit more enjoyable to read, I think.
In simple terms, i’m getting better- I think. Social anxiety is truly a challenge but slowly enough i’m getting better. I started school on the first few days of march and although I had a bit of a rough start (as in, change is very hard and getting adapted to a new routine stresses me the fuck out), i’m doing surprisingly good. I don’t want to jinx it or anything… but since it’s my last year of high school, all of the subjects seem to be significantly easier than last year and i don’t have to stress myself out doing homework or anything. Plus, I’ve finally managed to get closer to some of my classmates. I’m never really sure when you’re supposed to start considering people your friends due to uh… past experiences. And autism. But im pretty sure i’m getting there.
Part of me feels like it’s a bit pointless; it’s my last year after all, and I talked about this a little in my previous entry but I was completely expecting this year to be just like the last - stressful, maybe even lonely - but at the same I know this helps me get better. It’s hard to get out of old cycles, though. I just hope I don’t self-sabotage myself or anything.

But anyway, so far so good. Turns out we have a ‘new kid’ in class this year (or whatever term is actually used in english) and she’s super nice. She sits behind me next to a guy I also like and we tend to chat a bit everyday. Small talk is still unbearably hard for me but I seem to be getting the hang of it a bit more… actually i’m not sure about that. I think I just figured out how to talk about stuff that interests me more often. This one time she asked me about my 3DS (that I bring to class everyday. Kind of like a comfort item maybe.) and i rambled for 40 minutes straight. At least I think she was interested… I think.

Random thought but I feel like I constantly see autists say they love infodumping and for some it’s even a sort of love language… I really wish it felt like that for me. Mine is more like “I really like talking about this and I KNOW I’m annoying the shit out of you by talking about it non-stop but i do not want to stop and i won’t. i will feel bad afterwards for not shutting the fuck up however”. Me and infodumping have a really complicated relationship as you can see. I’d even say it’s a love-hate type of situation.

Uh, anyways. What else… I also started a ceramics class. I’m not a very big fan of ceramics but my mom wanted me to go with her so whatever. I guess it’s good for me but god… I end up SO tired. Not because the activity is particularly challenging or anything (not that it isn’t either - i just mean it isn’t necessarily tiring) but because being surrounded by people i don’t know automatically puts me in some sort of fight or flight mode and i’m tense during the entire thing. Social interaction is like… three times harder for me than the average person so I always need to take a nap when I get back to regain energy. But here’s the thing - I have this class on Wednesdays. And what else do I have on that day… I.T class. Which is extracurricular. Which means this is an EXTRA long day of socially interacting. I’m not having a very good time…

My memory doesn’t seem to be the best whenever I sit down to write these things… I’m struggling to come up with much else. Well this one is kind of obvious but I got a computer. This thing is awesome… Mostly because it’s much faster than all of my previous laptops combined but also because I think the monitor is the coolest thing to ever exist. This thing must be from the late 90s or early 2000s - not quite sure and i don’t know shit about monitors - but i’m seriously in love with it. Reminds me of my moms office when I went to primary school. It even makes that weird noise when it turns on… totally amazing.

We had to put the PC on the living room and therefore had to move what was already there - my PS3 and Wii. They’re now in my room and after moving around all of my stuff I managed to fit them right in. Look at my new ‘gaming set-up’.

Anyway - I think this is about anything I have to say. Or want to say. Writing is very tiring. I’m starting to think way too many things are very tiring for me. Whatever!!! I’m ending it here.
Have some extra pics of me with cats:

25/01/2024 - No sé nada

Uf, primer blog en español de la página. De hecho, creo que es lo primero que escribo en mi primera lengua de todo el sitio. Me da mucha paja escribir en inglés a veces, es como que tengo que pensar mil veces más como debería expresarme… Bastante tedioso. Tengo la tendencia, además, de ser más expresivo en aquel idioma porque siento la obligación de no verme tan monótono (un trauma de la infancia, en resumidas cuentas), mientras que en español me doy más espacio a expresarme genuinamente.
En fin, no vine a hablar de mis dilemas con mi sequez, el punto de este blog era en realidad hablar de mis preocupaciones y expectativas a modo de desahogo, por supuesto. ¿Para qué más serviría un blog?

Se está terminando enero. He visto mucha gente quejarse de que fue un mes interminable, y mientras si coincido, deseo con toda mi alma que si fuera eterno. Pero bueno, ahora toca uno de mis meses más despreciados: Febrero.
Trae siempre consigo la ansiedad de la vuelta a los estudios (y no ansiedad de la buena, de la que te da ganas de pegarte un corchazo), mi usualmente mediocre cumpleaños y más encima el quedarte sin nada que hacer. Prácticamente ya me estoy pudriendo en la cama de solo pensarlo… a veces me siento como si fuera uno con mi cama. Como si en cualquier momento me fuera a fusionar con ella. Es usualmente peor en febrero… y como si todo esto fuera poco, tengo que rendir dos materias. Dos es una forma de decir, porque en realidad solo es Ed. Física dos veces. Que materia más irritante y sumamente inútil. Creo que todos llegamos eventualmente a una edad en la que nos parece una bosta esa materia. Entiendo su propósito, si, pero me sigue pareciendo un embole. Hay cosas que son así… uno puede entender las razones lógicas detrás de algo pero si es un embole, es un embole, y voy a seguir quejándome al respecto.

El punto es, obviamente para todo el que me conozca, que no solo es un embole, sino que probablemente me va a dar una taquicardia cuando la tenga que rendir. Me cago en la ansiedad social y todo lo que conlleva. Me encantaría poder expresarle el odio que lo tengo de mejor manera, pero se resume en eso. Me estoy comiendo la cabeza pensando en que voy a tener que estar solo como pelotudo rindiendo una materia que implica movimiento físico frente a una profesora que no he visto nunca en mi vida. Igual, algo rescatable es que al menos no es un profesor, ahí si que ya me hubiera matado.
No sé por qué tengo ese prejuicio, es raro. Siempre me trae más calma si tengo que lidiar con una mujer que con un hombre. No sé si me estoy basando en alguna especie de estereotipo que tengo enterrado en el fondo de la cabeza y nunca me enteré, o si es completamente ilógico.

Me estoy desviando completamente, pero no hay nada que odie más que no poder encontrarle una razón lógica a las cosas. O ser controlado, aunque sea por un instante, más por mis emociones que por mi razón. Entiendo que son cosas que conviven y en realidad no debería inclinarme tanto por una, pero es algo que me ha irritado desde que tengo memoria. Me gusta analizar todo desde un lugar más lógico, y después vino el desorden de ansiedad y me cagó la vida.
Es algo que he tenido que explicarle a mi vieja mil veces; me encantaría poder superarla desde la razón, pero el pánico es completamente ilógico. Sé que todo lo que me da miedo no tiene ningún sentido, y aún así… que cosa más molesta. Hay veces en las que me ha ayudado la razón, igual. Aunque suele venir acompañada de alguna emoción. En un punto iba tan bajoneado a la escuela que me dí cuenta que a todos les chupo un huevo. Un sentimiento bastante choto y no tengo idea cómo tardé tanto en caer en cuenta pero desde entonces me puse a pensar que si a nadie le importa entonces no me debería importar a mi tampoco. Es feo la verdad, pero ayudar me ayudó, por más depresivo que suene.

Me interrumpieron mientras escribía esto y olvidé cuál era el punto… Hablé de expectativas más temprano así que asumo quería hablar de cómo quiero que vaya mi último año de secundaria. Dios, de escribirlo nada más ya me da miedo. Voy a cumplir 17 y sigo siendo un fraca. No si por algo ando escribiendo esto en vez de salir.
El punto es que quiero mejorar este año. No sé como, no sé cuándo, solo sé que quiero estar mejor. No sé relacionarme con nadie y no espero poder establecer una relación con nadie en la escuela este año tampoco, porque ponerme tal propósito sería sumamente irrealista. La verdad, resumiendo todo, lo que más espero que me pase es encontrar a alguien como yo.
Es rara la sensación, y no tengo idea de cómo podría ponerla en palabras, pero desde que soy chico nunca he encontrado a alguien que sea como yo. La primera conclusión a la que salto es que es porque soy autista, la cual tiene bastante sentido. Pero no entiendo por qué no logro ser amigo de nadie. ¿Es que tendré una idea de amistad distinta a la normal? He conocido a otra gente autista, pero siempre son nenes menores que yo con los cuales obviamente tampoco sé cómo relacionarme. El tema también es que no sé por dónde empezar. ¿En dónde se encuentran amigos?¿Tendría que específicamente buscar otros autistas, o cómo sería? Con el internet llego bastante lejos porque es más fácil el masking y encontrar otra gente como yo en lugares específicos pero en la vida real literalmente es imposible. Conozco a mis compañeros de clase nada más… y no entiendo a ninguno.
Me pasa que con otra gente de mi edad me cuesta entender el concepto de madurez. No sé si soy más infantil o más maduro que el resto. ¿Existe una manera de ponerlo en escala? ¿O es que mi estructura de razonamiento es tan distinta que no puedo compararme? Que dilema. No me gusta pensar por mucho tiempo estas cosas… me bajonea un poquito.
La peor parte es que no tengo manera de contarle ni hablar de estos temas con nadie. No digo que no tenga amigos, porque virtuales los tengo, pero cada que me quejo de algo o me desahogo me da la sensación de que no me bancan. No porque esté analizando sus respuestas de manera lógica ni nada. Obviamente sé que no es así, ya me hubieran mandado a la mierda de ser lo contrario, pero asumo es parte de mi ansiedad también. No quiero que toda mi imagen sea yo quejándome, siendo negativo y un insoportable así que solo hablo de temas pesados cuando es mi última opción antes de pegarme un corchazo.

En fin, que pésimo todo. La verdad estoy cansado de escribir. Me sirvió de desahogo igual, extrañaba expresarme tan honestamente. A veces tengo ganas de mandar todo a la mierda y ser tan monótono como lo soy cuando escribo estas cosas, pero después me doy cuenta que nadie me bancaría y se me pasa. Igual no sé… en ciertos lugares no sé si me tendrían como insoportable. Cuando era chico y no estaba ni enterado de este tema del autismo y de qué percepción tendrían otros de mi manera de expresarme si que era mucho más seco. Tenía 12, estaba en Amino y tenía sabrá dios cuantas chicas detrás porque era serio y misterioso y toda la cosa. Lo peor es que para ese entonces ni había caído todavía que era un chico. Yo la verdad a día de hoy no entiendo cómo carajo le caía bien a la gente. Asumo que éramos todos chiquitos y al primer edgy monótono se le tiraban todos encima, pero es que aún así no me lo explico.

En fin, me encanta irme por las ramas… es medio difícil escribir a medida que pienso así que todo lo que digo termina siendo medio desastroso. Espero se entienda lo que escribí porque no tengo ganas ni de re-leerlo. En conclusión: No sé cómo voy a sobrevivir febrero, no sé qué va a ser de mi vida después de este año y en realidad sólo sé no sé nada, para parafrasear a quién mierda sea el filósofo que dijo eso que tuve que estudiar en clase de filo. Estoy cansado de escribir, chau.

life update (or, alternatively: holidays kind of suck)

HI hello second time writing one of these and this time I think it’s even longer than the last but whatever. So. The holidays. Man I can’t decide whether I like them or fucking loathe them there’s literally no inbetween and I’m tired.
Anyway so contrary to how my life actually tends to play out (wake up, eat, computer, sleep) these past few weeks have been the busiest I’ve ever been in my entire life I think … Not that it’s a bad thing because I have been doing practically nothing for the last 5 months so a change shouldn’t be that bad. Except it is because I’m autistic and I really hate when my daily routine is interrupted. I don’t know how I keep forgetting this fact

Family visiting, having to help around the house 3x times more than I usually do, everyone else also being nervous and in a bad mood… It’s been quite unbearable. And I really like seeing my family! But they can annoy the shit out of me sometimes
Anyway, it hasn’t been all that bad though. I got a buuuunch of cool stuff I had left at my old house and some other gifts :)

Some highlights are:
This cool digital camera my mom owned and gifted to me! It has a bunch of pictures of my brother and I when we were kids. I’d say the quality is pretty good for such an old camera though! But I can’t really send the pics to my laptop yet so I can’t show them… whenever I get the chance to maybe I’ll post a blog with some of the pictures I’ve taken so far

All of this really cool n good quality 80s n 90s clothes :) These belonged mostly to my aunt n I can’t believe they let me keep it IT’S SOO NICE retro stuff is one of my biggest interests ever and I love love love owning old stuff. Something I noticed, that I didn’t know was so common, is that literally everything has shoulderpads. I didn’t know even flannels had those back then… I have yet to figure them out but I think they’re really interesting :) I’m not sure if I’ll ever use any of these but who knows… maybe the opportunity to wear 80s stuff will come soon enough (it won’t)

And lastly this data bank computer thingy. This is actually my second one, but this one is in much better condition. It even smells new LOL I can’t really use them since they use those old circular batteries that aren’t exactly. the best. So they’re pretty much useless but it’s an awesome addition to my random tech stuff collection ^_^ I also have to show them here sometime… I have to remember to write another blog entry about it.

And that’s about it for the gifts. I also got a bunch of my old toys but they’re not that interesting so I’m going to skip that.
Well, aside from all of this the holiday parties were pretty okay… Christmas was fun at first but my social battery tends to run out really quickly and since I get overstimulated easily the last two hours were a total nightmare. But it was nice outside of that, I guess. Parties are just loud, that’s all. The host had pretty good music taste though… I heard a couple of 80s pop songs playing and was very excited about it since it’s pretty much all I’ve been listening to lately :)

New year’s eve was also pretty cool, I think it was even calmer despite the fact we were even more people this time. Once again the last few hours do get very tiring and my family has a tendency of playing music way too loud… but generally it was really nice ^_^ I feel like it’s usually the other way around but I tend to enjoy New Year's Eve much more than Christmas… I don’t get gifts anymore so I guess it has started to feel a bit pointless.
Anyway, after all of the parties happened we went camping by a lake with my family. I usually hate camping but this time I made sure to bring my 3DS and headphones so I could have some quiet time and stuff so I didn’t get overwhelmed by the whole thing. I took some pictures of the place too, it was very nice :) Some of them are in my digital camera but here’s some I took on my phone:

I just realized I forgot to mention I don’t really have any New Year’s resolutions this year (didn’t have any for the past few years either way…) and I remember seeing this tumblr post saying resolutions don’t have to be unachievable stuff, they can also be fun. And it really got me thinking. I want a fun resolution this year too, but I can’t really come up with anything :/ And I can’t find the tumblr post so I can’t get any ideas from there either.
Some general things I want to do though is get out more since I’m pretty much inside all day LOL and also get into new hobbies. I want to start watching new media and get more into films but I feel like finding movies I actually like is so hard I’m not sure how I’m going to manage that…

In conclusion, hopefully this year treats me and all of you well ^_^ I don’t think I have anything more to say really… and I hate conclusions. BYe

07/10/2023 - 20:29pm

okay so... first blog post i guess. i know i did mention this on the sidenote on the right but i must warn you now: my life is quite uneventful. ill try to retell the events of today and the past few days in the most interesting way possible, but im not promising much

so today was kind of productive, i guess? it felt weird overall. not sure if i want to call it productive. here's the thing; i skippped school yesterday. so today, a saturday, felt waaay more like a sunday that it should have. sundays tend to be very, very depressing, since monday's the next day. i always get this sense of urgency or anticipation, an insane need to be as productive as possible or otherwise i'll feel like i'm wasting my time. so today wasn't nice, no. but i did get to work on an art project i'm really enjoying.
nothing much really, but i'll attach some pictures of my progress today. this is actually my first time painting on a canvas so i'm struggling a bit. not sure if i can call it a canvas either? its just some cardboard with some fabric taped to it. i still have no idea how it hasn't fallen apart yet but im not complaining at all

so that was pretty much all i did today. i think that as i write these posts you'll realize my days tend to center around one specific event or activity. not really sure why it is that way. i think it may be because i tend to hyperfixate on whatever im working on and leave no time to do anything else... or because i generally dont go out much or have any interesting events soooo yeah. maybe both?

anyway, i dont want this entry to end up being boring so i'll write a bit about something that has been going on in my life lately. a thing you must know about me is that (1) i dont go out much, only to school (2) i struggle with social interaction, and therefore i dont have "friends", exactly. all of my classmates feel more like acquaintances than anything else. so let me tell you about a guy that kind of disrupted that. not a friend, no, but he doesnt really fit in the acquaintance category.
my school once a year always does this thing called "student's week" where we basically have various events and competitions during the whole week, leaving no room for classes. the thing is, this also disrupts my usual routine a LOT. it freaks me out but i must attend because i already skip every single P.E class so yeah. i cant really skip for a whole week without consecuences. the thing is, i dont tend to demonstrate that im freaking out a lot... im quite unexpressive, i think. so my classmates tend to just leave me alone, im guessing so they dont annoy me? most of the time im fine with it, since i do find quite a lot of them annoying... but its not like i want to be ignored or anything. i have no idea how to give off the vibe that i actually do want people to talk to me, so i just deal with it. this has also become standard routine so i dont mind it as much.

back to the point: i was panicking. on wednesday precisely my class had this sort of competition? where the better decorated classroom was awarded. this means that the whole layout of the desks and chairs were rearranged. needless to say, i wasnt pleased. i sat very awkwardly in a corner, which i often find comforting, and just waited for the day to be over while playing tetris on my Nintendo 3DS. but to my surprise, since as i previously said my classmates do not talk to me, this guy that usually sits two desks from me aproached me. to be honest, at first i thought he might want me to move to get something from behind where i was sitting. this wasnt the case though.

contrary to what one might expect, like a "hello" or "how are you?" (which i both despise, jesus christ), this guy straight up asks me "do you like red hot chilli peppers? like, the band?" i just stared for a few seconds. what the fuck is this guy talking about. i didnt want to be rude, and i do like the band anyway, so i said yes, although i was still very confused.
this guy smiles inmediately and nods his head a couple times. where could he even be going with this???? i kind of expected him to just turn and leave. did i give off the vibe i like RHCP? should i be offended? but instead of leaving, like i expected him to, this guy just goes in a lonG ASS ramble about the band and their guitarist. i just stare and nod a couple times. contrary to my poor body language, i was totally fucking enthranced. i didnt understand a single thing but the fact he just started rambling to someone hasnt spoke to ever before left me dumbfounded, but like in a good way. wow dude.
you know when people have like, crushes at first sight. im aromantic and therefore do not experience those, but man this was pretty close. the whole time i was like 'i NEED to be friends with this dude so fukcing bad oh my god.'

unfortunately for me, i suck so much ass at social interaction i had no idea what to say. i jsut stared and nodded like an idiot. but he did recommend me a song, that i later listened to and didnt really like because it was way too melancholic and calm and shit. i, however, did not say this when he asked next time he saw me. i tend to be very blunt when i speak and realize later but this time i had it completely planned in my head. no way im letting this guy down after he explained the whole history of the band to me. no fucking way

so next time we spoke i said it was pretty cool. and thats about it. because everytime i try to have a conversatioin that is longer than 5 words everything i had planned to say gets filtered by like seven layers of autism and i end up stuttering or not being able to come up with anything, and i did NOT want to fuck it up with this guy hes way too cool to hear me word vomit or something. so it kind of ended there. i must say though, when i lied and told him i liked the song he looked so genuinely happy that i knew i had made the right choice when i lied. he even did like a fist pump and nodded his head a bit. no idea what the nodding is, but im assuming its good

well thats about it, i think. i want to talk to him more often but im way too much of a anxious and overstimulated mess a 99% of the time im at school to even try to approach him. i always think about complimenting his band shirts but (1) im kind of scared he'll ask me if i know or like any songs and i'll just combust on the spot and (2) im just way too scared to talk to him in general. or to anyone really. it feels so much better to write this down though, maybe next time i'll compliment his shirt.

so. i think thats it? and im tired of writing anyway.


You're now in the Personal section but I also talk about other stuff:

...I'll add more eventually.


Latest status update:

play some tunes!